mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
