Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize