You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
