Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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