I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Houston, we have a squirter
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
