My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
