I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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