not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Never joke about your clitoris.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
