Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
