the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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