i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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