I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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