Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
