I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
