i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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