just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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