Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
