Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
