In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
