I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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