a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
