Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize