So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize