Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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