My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
