I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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