I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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