So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
