considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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