she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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