meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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