I just made out with a guy for $7.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
