I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I did not marry a roomba.
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