i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
