Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
