whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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