can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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