You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
