Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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