I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
