I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
