Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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