So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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