My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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