They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
