an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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