Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
