your parents love me but you hate me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
