I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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