he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
