...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
