dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
