my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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