Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
