I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
