guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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