have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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