We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
