WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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