I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Pants are for mortals
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize